Thank you, thank you to Andi, who has led me to my calling: Presidential Speechwriter. Thanks to the Inauguration Speech Generator, I see that I am insanely gifted. I swear to you that I did not even know how my Mad Libs-style word fill-ins would be arranged And yet, behold the brilliance!
My fellow Americans, today is a festive day. You have shown the world that “hope” is not just another word for “cracker”, and that “change” is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually reject.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces diaphanous and effervescent challenges like never before. Our economy is extra-crispy. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for janitors. Our healthcare system is visceral. If your elbow is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a assistant crack whore. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a corkscrew implication. But stewing together we can right this ship, and set a course for Mall of America.
Finally, I must thank my spherical family, my hollow campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank videographers for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of cringing the American people. Without your bemused efforts, none of this would have been possible.
Now go make your own.