ANTM is back.  Lord, lord, is it ever.  Two HOURS of ANTM.  And it had this…theme…and the Js were dressed as if they were from the future of 1983, with silver Member’s Only jackets and white hair…and Tyra was…weird…okay, weirder than usual….They were going for a sci-fi theme, I think, only it looked like a locally produced children’s show.  Albeit a show with ghetto Asians and pre-op trannies.  Which is to say, a show I would watch.  Seriously, I was watching with my jaw hanging open.  Even by ANTM standards, this was something (20 house points to the one who knows what, exactly).

The first hour was the winnowing down of the crowd of contestants.  hint:  all the ones that got no screen time went home.  It was done with the proper level of humiliation–get all of the girls into skin-tight jumpsuits (it’s the future.  Hence, jumpsuits.  Waistbands will not be tolerated past 2030.  Begin to prepare), give them “body scans” to evaluate…their posture, I think?  It was mentioned and dropped faster than a subplot on Lost…then they had to place their hands on a “scanner” (shiny white panel) and be told “Access Granted” or “Access Denied.”  It was brutal.  And, it goes without saying, awesome.

Those 20 were winnowed down to the final 14.  This elimination was more traditional, with Tyrabot droning out “The next name I am going to call is…” fourteen times.  Oy.  But it came down to these, our cast:

Annaleigh: STUNNING.  It’s like the cycle with Nicole, where every time the camera landed on her, I just said, “holy CRAP, she’s gorgeous!”  Needless to say, that doesn’t generally happen on this show.  This show is more likely to make me say, “is that a dude?”  which brings us to…

Isis: a dude.  And not an especially good looking one.  He’s a pre-op tranny though, not–as one of the dimbulbs said–a drag queen.  He’s passing as a really skinny gap-toothed, hollow-eyed woman.  She knows her stuff, though, which is more than we can say for most of these gals (rant to come).

Brittany #1–Random chick from Vegas, will be in the first 5 eliminated.  Wholly uninteresting, only got through b/c she’s got that multi-ethinc might be black, might be Indian, might be Arab look to her.  snore.

Brittany #2, renamed Sharaun b/c Tyra cannot be bothered to figure out which Brit is which–don’t get too attached.  her over confident, panty-sniffing butt went home.  Seriously girl, get the underpants away from your nose, you are creeping us all out.

Brittany #3 (the Normans must be terrified), renamed McKey–helps out her Ultimate Fighter boyfriend or something?  She’s kind of gawky and manly and fake boxes a lot.  Here’s hoping she is able to punch

Clark–“without an ‘e'” she said, as if people named Clarke were common place and we needed to see that SHE is more special than they.  She’s a little to good at her role as blonde bitch.  She’s really nasty about Isis and his shenis.  She gives lots of nasty interviews but her photo was lousy.  She will be kept around until we REALLY hate her, and then will be dismissed.  I don’t know why they play the bitch role b/c the bitch NEVER wins.  also, she looks like a man.

Elina–I’m not sure what her parents or Bad Uncle did to her, but they did it thoroughly.  She’s a vegan animal liberation activist who is very sexual and not at all limited to one sex or the other.  In fact, it is her stated “hobby” to bring straight girls over to her “side.”  She has her gimlet eyes set on Clark-with-no-e.  I assure her that Clark will put out if it keeps her on the show.  Elina only wears black and pants and would not have gone through with the meat shoot last cycle.  See?  they wasted that idea on a vegetarian-free cast.  Fools.

Hannah–She’s from Alaska, but is not pregnant. Yet.  She mentioned at LEAST 4 times that she grew up with no water or electricity and they’re playing that like it’s b/c she’s from Alaska.  But they HAVE that stuff there.  All that means is that her parents are dirty hippies.  She’s kind of an idiot and didnt’ run from Clark when she had the chance.  Also, she likes to say she’s from a “small town” when what she means is she has a “small mind.”

Joslyn–She’s 23 years old and will be gone soon.  So don’t worry.  She looks JUST like some comedian and I can’t put my finger on it.  My first impulse is Wanda Sykes, but I don’t think so…(20 house points if you get it!)

Lauren Brie–not an artisanal cheese.  Just some weird looking white chick.  My guess is they’re going for the ethereal thing with her like that goofball from last cycle.  (I swear, their names are lost to me the minute the season wraps)

Marjorie–I may love her, I may loathe her.  could go either way right now.  She’s a big ol’ dork, all gawky angles and snaggle teeth.  Like the Coneheads, she is from France.  But she’s playing the Uncomfortable Homeschooled Misfit card a bit too often.  We’ll see how she edits.

Nikeysha–U G L Y, she ain’t got no alibi, she UGLY.  And, she looks like a man.

Samantha–who?  Oh, right, the beer model.  She’s missing her prom and graduation to be here.  Bummer.

And finally, Sheena, queen of Harlem–Sure, she looks like her name should be Sarah or Lily, but she sounds like her name should be…Sheena.  Ghetto talking Asian chick.  Her giant earrings and affected speech irritate me, but if she can pose at all she’ll go far.  Seriously, 11 cycles and this is only the second remotely Asian girl?  (April was Asian, right?) and the one they DO get is stank and her eyes are too close set?  You know why that is?  Those Asians are so smart.

So.  We have our cast, we move them, with no actual drama, into their house (is it the same one they were in during the Crazy Lisa Talks to the Plant and Pees in a Diaper season?).  For no discernable reason, the girls go to the Magic Castle for one-on-one interviews with the judges.  This is one of the sequences that makes you realize that they must shoot HOURS of footage for every 5 min. we see.  They have some magician dude on and you get the impression that he was a big deal or something and there’s some fake magic and sponsor-friendly shots of the hotel.  A few bits of interview in which Sharaun makes an ass of herself and Marjorie nearly has a break-down.  And off to the photo shoot!

It’s an election year and this election is really, really important to Tyra.  So the girls get tarted up in minidresses and pose in front of a wind machine.  It follows, you know?  Ostensibly, they are representing different issues, like immigration, bureacracy (“I don’t even know what that MEANS”–Clark), and the environment.  And…ass pain:

And, um, naughty nurses:

And…red lightning?

In the classic Mean Girl slap-down, Marjorie and Isis are called first (with an awesome cut-away to the pissed off Clark(e)), Nakeysha squeaks through, and Sharaun (nee Brittany) is sent packing, once she is able to get up from the floor where she collapsed.  I hope she was able to pick up her lucky underpants and sniff them for comfort.

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