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Listen up, humans (that’s right, not “hoomins.” Cats are not sub-literate fools. You are.), just because you cannot have a dog, do not think we will cave and let you keep this human kitten. Oh no. This:
Is not as cute as you think. Nor is it funny to say, “Oh look, Hazel, there’s a kitty! Go git ‘er!” That is not a funny joke. This is a funny joke:
How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn’t matter. Dogs are too stupid to screw in lightbulbs and they still would have their sad, pathetic night vision that makes them bump into things. Because they are stupid.
Funny. and not at all suprising.
That human kitten thing is utterly undiscriminating. It will put anything into its mouth. Witness:
We mean, seriously. That is not the sign of an especially evolved creature. When was the last time you saw a cat trying to eat plastic? Not counting Dink. She’s…a bit of an outlier on most things.
So. Our demands are simple. Get. Rid. of. this. thing. I cannot BELIEVE there’s not a better spay/neuter program for you creatures.
No matter what your wee human brains are telling you. This:
Oh yes, Andi they WERE baby pygmy goats–even better, they were a half pygmy, half Tennessee Fainting Goat cross! I went back for pictures. And food.
And it was not just goaty cuteness, oh no. Check out Tiny McPiggersons:
The BABY MINI DONKEY (hello? Cuteness police? We have a excessive cuteness violation) wouldn’t turn around so I could take a picture to show you that his head is almost as big as the rest of his body. AND he kicked his mom in the side while nursing. She should bite his butt.
Don’t these piglets look just like those tiny plastic pigs? I wanted to just scoop up a bunch. And not toss them in the air to see if they’d land Double Trotters.
If I ever get the damned thing processed, I have funny video for you, too. Stand by.
Lily’s birthday time! It really was very inconvenient of her to be born during the fair. It was the only time I didn’t get to go. AND she made us miss the Soprano’s season premiere. Babies. Hmpf.
So Lily turned six on Monday, had her party on Sunday. Birthday parties are such smooth sailing now. Nearly 12 years of experience was all it took. When they arrived, I set them to decorating bags for holding their crafts and pinata candy.
Then a bit of classic fun with the drop-the-clothespins-into -a-mason-jar game. They really enjoyed it, which was nice to see. I wasn’t sure they’d find it fun, but they did;
Then cake! Lily wanted a heart cake. You know that I normally would carve a heart shape out of cake and it would be a Big Deal. But she’d said she wanted M&Ms on it, so I decided to just make a heart out of the candies. And yes, it looks like a color-blindness test. But it was yummy. Strawberry cake from scratch–even used whole wheat flour and it came out really well. Frosting is cream cheese frosting One of the girls said, “I like homemade cakes the best. The ones from the store taste too…store-y.” . Stupid natural food colorings create rather fleshy tones, though…
Presents are next, obviously. All the guests brought cards they’d made themselves. Isnt’ that sweet? And Lily actually paid attention to them, which was also nice.
We had to include the unicorn pinata. I’ve dragged this thing up from the basement for nearly every birthday since Julianna was 5. Well, I did continue to make specialized ones until Lily was old enough for a party…then I stopped. Poor Lily.
Not as much fun as the sort you bash open. But still full of candy.
Next morning, her real birthday, she got her gifts from us and I took her out of school in the afternoon to go to the fair. AND we went to the fair for dinner and got her the birthday funnel cake. As you must.
You can have Christmas. I’m all about Fair Week. I have been several times so far, eating fried things and scratching the ears of goats. I’ve had the pieroges and haluski , I’ve had funnel cake and cotton candy, and yesterday I had deep fried dill pickle spears. Yum. My digestive system is not amused by my adventure, though, I must say (Hey! Thanks for that image! no problem. I’m here to serve). The ol’ system needs to just buck up and take it like a farmer b/c I still have to have an apple dumpling with ice cream, some deep fried strawberries with whipped cream, and at least some manner of fried potato. Tonight is a pay-one-price night, so we’ll go for dinner and stay too late.
In addition to the eating for things which have been batter-dipped and deep fried, we have the animals (as a vegetarian, of course, I don’t blur that line quite so much as others do). The chicken barn holds its usual charms. I do miss Mildred. I find myself trying to work out the logistics of bringing home a couple of chickens and, I dunno, maybe a goat. The stupid thing is that if my yard was level with my back door it would be no problem. I could trot out every night to put the chickens in a hutch, thus solving the fox problem. But as it stands, I have to go down a steep flight of steps and down the hill, which means I have to come back UP them…and as pathetic and loseriffic as it is, I just…don’t. It’s the same reason why having a garden down there was such a bust. That extra bit of work is just too much. And I don’t think the kids care enough for me to conscript them into being goat lackeys and chicken tenders (not to be confused with the fried snack. see above). So I just have to enjoy them at the fair. Fancy plumes and vacant expressions on the poultry. Intense, kind of creepy looks from the goats. Once I start scratching goat ears, it’s hard to stop. It’s the same with dogs. If a critter wants me to scratch it, I have to. I keep at it until the animal moves away. And there’s a lot of goats in that barn. But really, someone has to do it, right? Right?
There’s a birthing barn where very pregnant animals are put on display and made to give birth in front of a crowd of strangers. Welcome to modern birthin’ ladies! But if they’re anything like me, when the moment comes it just doesn’t matter WHO is there, munching on kettle korn and staring at your nethers. And oh, baby pigs! They peep! Like chicks! So sweet. I wanted to scoop up and armload and head for the gate. And the newly born calf with her mussed fur and wittle pink nose!. Man. too much cute.
The carnival rides are less important to me than they once were, but I do enjoy the carnival folk. The freak show is gone this year, after being almost cancelled for years. So at least I don’t have to keep telling the kids that there isn’t REALLY a man with a snakes tail for a lower body inside. But what will the fire eating midget do for a living now? I was in line at the Safeway and the 60-something female cashier and a 50 something male customer were bemoaning the loss of the “hootchie-cootchie show.” I remember that at the Delaware State Fair. It was very titillating to a pre-pubescent and young teen, but when they trotted the women out to stand on the stage and give the crowd a preview…it was really creepy. It looked like a slave auction. So I didn’t join in that nostagia trip. Oh but now the fair is all about positive messages:
Believe me, he knows.
And of course you get the ribbon count and entry update: My watermelon pickles only got a second place. I think Wanda paid off the judges b/c her jar looked no better than mine. My jalapeno pickles got second place, my sweet pickles got third place, my green beans got nothing. I have not yet found my salsa. I shall report back when I do. I’m sure it got Best in Show and they just forgot to call me to show up for the group photo. I’m sure I’ll get an appology soon. As for my photos, the two Aruba photos, the ones I thought were best, got nothing, but my photo of Lily on the Ferris Wheel got a 4th and the one of a kayaker going over the falls in Ohiopyle got a second. But Julianna! She entered as a 4-H member. She got blue ribbons for all 4 photos and for her club book she had to submit as Club Historian. She also entered vegan pumpkin spice cookies into the new “healthy choices” category (healthy choice: don’t go to the fair), and got a Reserve Grand Champion ribbon. Behold!
I’ll let you know what I eat tonight…
The geniuses at projectrungay.com went to Bryant Park and saw the 6 shows from Project Runway. Obviously, 3 of them are “decoy” shows so that we don’t know who the final 3 are. Hopefull we do, having seen this. Well, the top two anyway. I thought I’d offer up my opinions for those of you who were just DYING to know what I thought. First, Frau Seal:
So nice to see her shy away from shiny, tight, and short. I haven’t seen her look this gorgeous in ages. I mean, she’s ALWAYS gorgeous, but seldom in a tastefull way. I think she looks dynamite. But my feet are killing me just looking at those shoes. I suspect she hasn’t had feeling in her feet in 15 years.
First up, Jerell: I’m not going to be a bandwith monster, so I’ll link you to the site with the photos and then you can follow along. This way the people that don’t care aren’t waiting and waiting for a page to load only to find it full of assy dresses they didn’t care about. So. The link will open in a new window, Jerell:
1–Hate it. I loathe illusion net and the bodice makes her boobs look too low. Model appears to be 14 and probably has no boobs of her own anyway. Skirt looks like pirate costume from Costume Express.
2–The model’s skin is too dark for this look. It looks…odd. Switch her up with the last girl. this model would ROCK that ugly dress. I’d like to see a close-up of that neckline. HAAAATE that net coming out from under the skirt. Like she pulled a cocktail dress on over a negligee. And I’m sorry, but sequined sheath dresses say Bar Mitzvah Mom to me.
3–Almost interesting. But not quite. I kind of like the assymetrical bodice, but I do NOT like the way that silver trim kind of sags at the hemline. Like the colors, though.
4–Um…did he hire Stella? That’s the pirate shirt that goes with the skirt from the first look, though. WTF with the chain mail? I’m intriged by that matador-y jacket but leggings are never okay and I hate those shoes.
5–Just, no. Sloppy and ugly. Bleh.
6–I’d like a full-length on this purple one. I’m interested. Could be great, could be ass.
7–the cool thing about this one is that it’s entirely made of nori .
8–Again, I’d like to see a full length and see it move. Lord knows I don’t like the thumb sleeves though. and the back seems…creepy somehow. Like her spine is exposed.
9–One’s sleeves should never be longer than one’s hemline. It’s a basic fashion rule. Bow is stupid. Widow’s hat netting is not an acceptable substitute for actual fabric.
10–Reminds me of Chris March’s couture challenge dress (but not nearly as cool). But with dirty tulle. good drag name: Dirty Tulle It looks as if her underpants are on fire and smoke is billowing out.
Next up: the excrable Suede:
1–Hate that it appears to be made of paper chains. hate that stupid rope skirt. Rather like the neckline, though. Great model, well styled.
2–Is that Michelle Obama? Meh. The skirt looks like it needs to be pressed. The bodice is needlessly low. Cannot yet judge the jacket, but I’m sure it’s ass.
3–Oh. My. God. Did he pick up a copy of “Altering Thrift Shop Finds”? Turned right to the “making a skirt from Daddy’s neckties” page, did he? Lord.Get over her boy, and let me choke you.
4–Tie Dye print is interesting. Dress is boring, but at least it doesn’t make me want to slap him.
5– Barbie? is that you? Lord this is horrible. It really does look scaled up from a doll’s dress. it’s awkwardly stiff and cotton candy colored. Ech.
6–ACK ACK ACK! My EYES! Oh my. just ugh. It’s iike the designers were inspired by Stella but in entirely the wrong way. This is just so Deb shop 1985. Blech blech blech. and the model looks like that Dusty doll. Remember her? Barbie’s lesbian tennis pro friend?
7–Oh god, make it stop! It’s too much! it’s the toilet paper cover doll from the back of Granny’s toilet come to life (the doll, not the toilet)! The top is gappy and horrible and the skirt…Shit, my eyes melted. Now what am I going to do? Styling is horrible. But the model is levitating, which is kinda cool
8–Oh, that’s kind of cute. Esp. if she unties the shower curtain from her waist. Maybe it’ll get bett…
9–NO NO NO! Dammit man, what is WRONG with you? It’s like a costume from a 1984 sci-fi. Made on a shoestring.
10–And a wedding dress. Of course. Who wouldn’t want to be married in a dress made of goose down and those silver tanning trays Uncle Fester used?
Joe is Mr. Straighty Pants. And if you don’t believe him, check out this collection. If you can stay awake.
1–Um, that’s okay. Kinda Sexy Pocahontas from the Costume Express catalog, but it’s okay. The model is stunning and fresh looking. I think I love her.
2–Again the Ghost of Stella haunts us. but again it comes out really tacky. I almost like the velvet pants, but I’m in no danger of liking the bustier or gold leather jacket.
3–Look it’s Naima from ANTM! Wearing the flag of Alaska! Better hope Palin doesn’t see you, babe.
4–TRASHy. In no way interesting. In all ways tight.
5–Cute but boring jacket. Heinous and boring pants. Really Joe, this is so Straight Guy.
6–might be pretty, not yet sure. Is definately boring.
7–I REALLY like this print. I really do NOT like that belt buckle. But it’s boring. I mean, I’d totally wear it, so it is not Fashion.
8–Oh good lord, Joe. We GET it, you’re STRAIGHT.
9–what a pretty skirt! No, no I do not even SEE a bodice. Why do you ask?
10–Model is clearly a man. So why, exactly is he wearing that cowgirl get-up? and how did he get onto the runway?
Now Kenley, popularly called Veronica Lodge or Mean Girl. I’m so over her Indie Chick aesthetic. Get an etsy shop, kiddo.
1–If the skirt was 2 inches shorter, I’d like this.
2–Love that color. do not love that dress. But too boring to really say much about. But why is the model wearing my Granny’s shoes?
3–Oh shit. She had two hideous dresses and couldn’t decide which to wear? Lord it’s just so bad. I don’t care if her Boca Raton lanai tumor dress DID win, that look is still ugly. And again with the shoes.
4–Rue McLanahan called. She wants her dress back.
5–This I actually kind of like. The Betty Draper party skirt is a bit much, but I’ll allow it. I love the neck, I love the flowers, I love the shoes, I love that the model has shapely legs.
6–“help…me…cannot…breath…air filter…choking me…knees…tied together…”
7–Renee Zelwegger IS Krystal Carrigton IN Dynasty: The Movie
8–Right. So this is just Bjork’s Swan dress with the interesting bits removed. And the shoes. So ugly.
9–No. stop it right now. Did Tim Burton design that?
10–Her boobs look sad. And little wonder. Looks like her hair is smoking, though.
And now it’s time for the actual fashion. Korto first:
1–Two inches longer and I’m in love. Great print. Great shape. Not innovative, from what I can see, but pretty.
2–Beautiful color. I’d like to see it move, it looks very flowy. Again, nothing new, but a lovely dress, well made and well-styled.
3–I want to see the detail on this one. It could be awesome. It really ought to have been on a dark-skinned girl, though. That color doesn’t go well with Irish.
4–Look! It’s Bianca from ANTM! And she’s gonna cut a bitch. This looks very Mychel Knight to me. hootchie, in other words.
5–This is beautiful. Looks rich and well made. the fin in the front is a bit odd, but it works.
6–DANIELLE! how go the speech lessons? You look great, babe! I need more angles on this to see what that neckline is up to. I know I want the skirt longer, though. Love this green.
7–Love. Looks like the back is probably cool, too.
8–FAIL. this looks cheap and hideous. Flamenco wedding. bleh.
9–That man is PISSED. And the dress is rather nice, so I don’t know what his problem is.
10–Skirt looks weird. Need to see it move.
And our beloved Judy Noodles, LeAnne:
1–Not flattering on a human, but really, really cool and beautiful. It’s a work of engineering.
2–That jacket is AWESOME. Why, oh why is it paired with shorts? I’m sure I’m too Mundane to understand. But I’d loooove that with a flowing white gown. Can you imagine?
3–cool. Again, probably not flattering on a person, but really really cool. Don’t like the bra bodice, though.
4–Why is Grandpa’s white belt in all of these shots? Did it come with Granny’s shoes? I’m undecided on this one. I really never like the peekaboo shoulder, and I’m just not sure about that skirt. Certainly cool, but maybe not beautiful. Maybe an air vent.
5–Love. that Tiffany blue is just stunning. I really like that top, too.
6–Miss. Ugly skirt. I might like the top, though.
7–Model just got off her job as a Dickensian chimney sweep. but I LOVE that dress. Love.
8–Stunning. That color on that girl? just, wow. A real person would look like a bridesmaid, though.
9–Mmmm…dont’ like the thing hanging down in the middle. Otherwise I like it. Make the whole shirt reach the waist of the pants and I’m sold. Like I could ever wear that in a million years.
10–i do not like the middle layer. But that bottom is Wowsa. She chose models well.
So. LeAnne should win. I’ll allow Korto to win. Anyone else is just totally unacceptable. your thoughts?
Ah, my favorite time of year, the Frederick County Fair, or, as it’s actually and amusingly called, The Great Frederick Fair, Inc. I went to high school with a guy named Frederick Fair and I always wish I could send him the sign from th entrance. Who wouldn’t want that? Today, I took in my preserved food to be judged and found superior. Entered green beans (thanks for the canner, Andi!), watermelon pickles (I cracked the nice old fair ladies up with my story of the expensive watermelon), sweet pickles, pickled jalepenos, and salsa. On Saturday, i took in 4 photographs for judging. As did everyone else in the county to judge from the wall. Holy Moly. Julianna entered 4 photos in the 4-H judging and got blue ribbons for every one! AND she got a blue ribbon for the club book she had to submit as club Historian. She did a great job but declared that scrapbooking is not her thing.
Fair opens this weekend. I won’t likely get to enter baked goods or candy b/c those have to go in on Saturday and we are booked SOLID that day. So inferior chefs get a pass this year. Enjoy it, losers. Next week: Fair every day. Fair FOOD everyday. I’ll keep you posted.
ANTM is back. Lord, lord, is it ever. Two HOURS of ANTM. And it had this…theme…and the Js were dressed as if they were from the future of 1983, with silver Member’s Only jackets and white hair…and Tyra was…weird…okay, weirder than usual….They were going for a sci-fi theme, I think, only it looked like a locally produced children’s show. Albeit a show with ghetto Asians and pre-op trannies. Which is to say, a show I would watch. Seriously, I was watching with my jaw hanging open. Even by ANTM standards, this was something (20 house points to the one who knows what, exactly).
The first hour was the winnowing down of the crowd of contestants. hint: all the ones that got no screen time went home. It was done with the proper level of humiliation–get all of the girls into skin-tight jumpsuits (it’s the future. Hence, jumpsuits. Waistbands will not be tolerated past 2030. Begin to prepare), give them “body scans” to evaluate…their posture, I think? It was mentioned and dropped faster than a subplot on Lost…then they had to place their hands on a “scanner” (shiny white panel) and be told “Access Granted” or “Access Denied.” It was brutal. And, it goes without saying, awesome.
Those 20 were winnowed down to the final 14. This elimination was more traditional, with Tyrabot droning out “The next name I am going to call is…” fourteen times. Oy. But it came down to these, our cast:
Annaleigh: STUNNING. It’s like the cycle with Nicole, where every time the camera landed on her, I just said, “holy CRAP, she’s gorgeous!” Needless to say, that doesn’t generally happen on this show. This show is more likely to make me say, “is that a dude?” which brings us to…
Isis: a dude. And not an especially good looking one. He’s a pre-op tranny though, not–as one of the dimbulbs said–a drag queen. He’s passing as a really skinny gap-toothed, hollow-eyed woman. She knows her stuff, though, which is more than we can say for most of these gals (rant to come).
Brittany #1–Random chick from Vegas, will be in the first 5 eliminated. Wholly uninteresting, only got through b/c she’s got that multi-ethinc might be black, might be Indian, might be Arab look to her. snore.
Brittany #2, renamed Sharaun b/c Tyra cannot be bothered to figure out which Brit is which–don’t get too attached. her over confident, panty-sniffing butt went home. Seriously girl, get the underpants away from your nose, you are creeping us all out.
Brittany #3 (the Normans must be terrified), renamed McKey–helps out her Ultimate Fighter boyfriend or something? She’s kind of gawky and manly and fake boxes a lot. Here’s hoping she is able to punch
Clark–“without an ‘e'” she said, as if people named Clarke were common place and we needed to see that SHE is more special than they. She’s a little to good at her role as blonde bitch. She’s really nasty about Isis and his shenis. She gives lots of nasty interviews but her photo was lousy. She will be kept around until we REALLY hate her, and then will be dismissed. I don’t know why they play the bitch role b/c the bitch NEVER wins. also, she looks like a man.
Elina–I’m not sure what her parents or Bad Uncle did to her, but they did it thoroughly. She’s a vegan animal liberation activist who is very sexual and not at all limited to one sex or the other. In fact, it is her stated “hobby” to bring straight girls over to her “side.” She has her gimlet eyes set on Clark-with-no-e. I assure her that Clark will put out if it keeps her on the show. Elina only wears black and pants and would not have gone through with the meat shoot last cycle. See? they wasted that idea on a vegetarian-free cast. Fools.
Hannah–She’s from Alaska, but is not pregnant. Yet. She mentioned at LEAST 4 times that she grew up with no water or electricity and they’re playing that like it’s b/c she’s from Alaska. But they HAVE that stuff there. All that means is that her parents are dirty hippies. She’s kind of an idiot and didnt’ run from Clark when she had the chance. Also, she likes to say she’s from a “small town” when what she means is she has a “small mind.”
Joslyn–She’s 23 years old and will be gone soon. So don’t worry. She looks JUST like some comedian and I can’t put my finger on it. My first impulse is Wanda Sykes, but I don’t think so…(20 house points if you get it!)
Lauren Brie–not an artisanal cheese. Just some weird looking white chick. My guess is they’re going for the ethereal thing with her like that goofball from last cycle. (I swear, their names are lost to me the minute the season wraps)
Marjorie–I may love her, I may loathe her. could go either way right now. She’s a big ol’ dork, all gawky angles and snaggle teeth. Like the Coneheads, she is from France. But she’s playing the Uncomfortable Homeschooled Misfit card a bit too often. We’ll see how she edits.
Nikeysha–U G L Y, she ain’t got no alibi, she UGLY. And, she looks like a man.
Samantha–who? Oh, right, the beer model. She’s missing her prom and graduation to be here. Bummer.
And finally, Sheena, queen of Harlem–Sure, she looks like her name should be Sarah or Lily, but she sounds like her name should be…Sheena. Ghetto talking Asian chick. Her giant earrings and affected speech irritate me, but if she can pose at all she’ll go far. Seriously, 11 cycles and this is only the second remotely Asian girl? (April was Asian, right?) and the one they DO get is stank and her eyes are too close set? You know why that is? Those Asians are so smart.
So. We have our cast, we move them, with no actual drama, into their house (is it the same one they were in during the Crazy Lisa Talks to the Plant and Pees in a Diaper season?). For no discernable reason, the girls go to the Magic Castle for one-on-one interviews with the judges. This is one of the sequences that makes you realize that they must shoot HOURS of footage for every 5 min. we see. They have some magician dude on and you get the impression that he was a big deal or something and there’s some fake magic and sponsor-friendly shots of the hotel. A few bits of interview in which Sharaun makes an ass of herself and Marjorie nearly has a break-down. And off to the photo shoot!
It’s an election year and this election is really, really important to Tyra. So the girls get tarted up in minidresses and pose in front of a wind machine. It follows, you know? Ostensibly, they are representing different issues, like immigration, bureacracy (“I don’t even know what that MEANS”–Clark), and the environment. And…ass pain:
And, um, naughty nurses:
In the classic Mean Girl slap-down, Marjorie and Isis are called first (with an awesome cut-away to the pissed off Clark(e)), Nakeysha squeaks through, and Sharaun (nee Brittany) is sent packing, once she is able to get up from the floor where she collapsed. I hope she was able to pick up her lucky underpants and sniff them for comfort.
Thanks for the heads-up on the etsy link, Andi. I knew it was broken and never went to fix it. It’s a widget and I just can’t seem to make it go here on WordPress. Meanwhile, I’ll just post a link here to Six Gables Originals, handbag maker to the stars. You can get there with http://www.sixgables.com as well. Inventory is low at this writing, as I’ve had a lot of special orders (yes, I’d love to make you just the bag you want!) and now I’m getting kid projects ready for the fair. 4-H is currently running my life, which is a weird place to be. But really people, you know you want a NomNom bag for your laptop…
Or a lovely handbag:
Go, shop, enjoy!
I’m all busy and stressed and unlikely to string together two coherent sentences for a bit. So enjoy. A blog for endless amusement: Sexy People. It’s just horrific studio portraits, one after another. I know you think you have some bad ones. You were wrong.