Hey people, this post is from Allie and Dink. Mostly Allie, because Dink is an imbecile. HI, I’m Maggie. I live here. Why a post from the cats? Because the humans here don’t seem to understand subtlety. Honestly, we weren’t all THAT subtle, but they’re missing the message anyway. According to Dink, if she can be believed (and seriously, she’s too stupid to lie), the people try to bring stupid dogs into the house now and again. Dink says that they used to bring this big black stupid dog in and call it Maddie, which was a bit confusing for Dink. For obvious reasons. Hi, I’m Maggie. I live here. She claims that she was Very Fierce and the dog was scared away. It wasn’t here once I arrived, but she said it came back sometimes and she’d have to scare it away again. I was Fierce.
Then, a couple of years ago, they brought one in and it stayed for too long. We were clear that it was Not Okay. Dink is…the scout. I send her down first when things are Wrong, so that she can bring back information. If I went down and something were to happen to me, the humans would be up a creek. Dink can be Fierce, but I’m the brains here. Mean Girl is smart. I’m Maggie.
She reported to me that there was a stupid dog in the house. I told her to proceed. That I’d…protect the food bowl upstairs. Mean Girl is brave. She tried to hit him with the Hate Lasers we cats have in our eyes.
And when that bounced off his stupid skull, she wisely retreated to behind the couch to Hate.
The people thought it would be best to bring in my skills to scare the dog. But I was very clear that I needed to stay upstairs to protect the food. Big Guy just picked me up to bring me down. Not. Cool. I tried to use my Hate Lasers, but was too far away.
It took us a long time. It wasn’t easy to bring in stupid dog poop from outside and put it on the people beds. It was surprisingly easy to lure the stupid dog onto the roof. But he wouldn’t jump. Even when we put treats on the ground. And Big Guy–whom we thought to be on our side–resuced him. Finally, we just had to hire some moron to run over the stupid dog with a car. So unsubtle. But clearly that’s what it takes. We thought they’d learn. But this is what we found this morning:
Shooting his Stupid Rays out of his eyes, but missing me, luckily. We’ve seen this one before. He shows up with the human kittens that live down the hill. This time the human kittens did not bring him. The Big Girl did. Which is not good because she is the traitor who brought in the last stupid dog. The one that stayed so long. She calls him “a visitor.” This had better be so. Because we know a guy we can call. So if you other humans have some misguided affection for this stupid dog, speak to our humans. Because Ceiling Cat knows they don’t listen to us. Who are you talking to, Mean Girl? Shut up, Dink.