This week on Top Model (I’ll just stop pretending I’m not utterly commited and sticking to the bitter end. I’m fooling no one): The first Phone Phight of the Cycle, posing with drag queens, drippy paint photos! There are still so many girls that I’m periodically surprised to see some of them. Who’s that? Oh, it’s another girl with a bad weave. They just await the day of their elimination to get a storyline in the editing. Poor dears.

In the pre-Tyra Mail period, we get to see that Marvita is awesome and Stacy Ann (who?) called Whitney fat and thus should be eliminated. Cruel fate. Oh, and a note to Dominique: people who speak of themselves in the third person do not win. Deana knows this.

Tyra Mail says they have to learn about “the three C’s.” Hmmm…Cattiness, Cluelessness, and mmm, I dunno, Crack Whores. Oh, no, it’s Comercial, Couture, Catalog, as taught to them by the ubiquitous Benny Ninja. Hate. Dominique (I think I should refer to her as She, since she leaves all these personal pronouns unused…) says, How many people can say they’ve met the inventor of the Vogue?” Well, lots. He’s been on every season of this show since, like cycle 4 and he keeps popping up on other reality shows, annoying the crap out of me. This time he’s paired with Vendela, host of Scandanavia’s Next Top Model (seriously? Aren’t they all models? Lord, how tall and blonde do you have to be to cut it there?) and generally stunning person. They show the girls how to do the three poses–commercial (smile and look pretty), catalog (smile and look just the teensiest bit less pretty), and couture (grimace and double over with cramps).

Back at the ranch, we are treated to the phone drama. The Third Person gets mad at Whitney for not coming and getting her for her phone time. Then Whitney rolls her eyes and twitches her head. This is deemed disrespectful. That paired with the “You’re uneducated” (ladies: you’re all idiots, please don’t fight about it)causes She to say that Whitney is a rascist toward everyone and anyone which doesn’t even make sense. Tragically, Whitney’s defense is “My best friend is black. ” So She tells Whitey that she looks like she’s 30 and acts like she’s 12. oof. But Whitney gets the match point: “Where’s the saran wrap?” is the best argument ender, ever.

It’s a mutherfuckin pose off! The girls head to Brooklyn to find the House of Ninja. See, it had been the Rent Controlled Apartment of Ninja, but the family kept growing, so they had to move out to the boroughs to buy a house. The ladies, they are limber. Ah, youth. Claire wins the posing challenge and her team gets to go to the swag tent. Marvita: My team won, but really I kept losing points for them, so I’m just freeloadin’. Did I mention I love her? They get lots of cool designer crap, but Claire gets a trip to Bora Bora. which I suspect is somewhere warm.

Commercial break for My Life as Cover Girl. Oh SWEET, when Saleisha was in Baltimore? She got to go to the Cover Girl factory! Actual quote: “Cool, a barcode!” They even “let” her make stuff. Then we cut to a real CG ad with an actual actress, Drew Barrymore.

So the photo shoot is an imaginary jewelry shoot in which the girls have bright make up and cellophane head gear and paint dripping down their faces. And it’s still less odd than meat panties. Marvita saying, “I like it here, it’s a nice place to be” is so clearly the sign that she’s going home. It breaks the heart, it does. We are treated to a full-body shot of Fatima in a tube top and low-rise pants. Her body absolutely gave me the willies. Feed her. Her mother did not flee Somolia to have her children starve on TV.

Panel. Tyra’s paint shot looks like a Culture Club album cover. Vendela is our guest judge and cleans up very nicely. Paulina is using all the eyeliner in the world. Saliesha will have to make more.Fatima has armpit hair! the horror! She is instructed to shave and bathe. Which will likely reduce her weight even more. I imagine hair and grime was the only thing keeping her earth-bound. The photos are stupid, as you might expect. Not as bad as a meat thong, though. But Marvita, bless her has a photo that looks like “National Geographic meets French Vogue” and that just can’t be good.

Vendala. That girl has what it takes, she’s going places.

First photo, Stacey Ann. who? Is she in this show? Oh right, the one with the Minnie Mouse voice.

And, of course, we’re down to Whitney and Marvita, shocking no one. They seriously don’t even try with the editing any more. Aw, poor Marvita. I mean, I knew early on, but I hoped. I did. She never belonged there. And she should have cut Tyra for the Horse Mane Hair Weave, but she’s just awesome. Someone give her an acting gig! I really do hope she gets somewhere. And lord knows I usually don’t care.

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